Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
be right there i have to get my cape
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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