I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
bring money and cleavage
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
