All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
