It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
