You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
