Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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