Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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