You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
