Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I supernannyed him into submission
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
