A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
