dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
