12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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