mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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