Don't make out with my wife yet
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
