i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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