dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Are my feet made of real feet?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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