i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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