so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
