I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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