3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
True college students do jello shots in the library
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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