My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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