Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
