I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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