i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
