At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
