Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I looked at my own cervix.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
