I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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