and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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