I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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