ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
