my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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