the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
