He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
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Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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