Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
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So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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