How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
