The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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