you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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