so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
