she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
40s are totally the cure
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
