The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
