Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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