i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
