I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
