In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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