I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
