I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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