i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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