literally had 100 drinks last night.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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