His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Can I color on your dick again?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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