saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize