So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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