FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
