he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
