Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
