He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
