I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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