Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i dont even know how to be here
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
