You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
